Why this candle?
Why this cake?
The day of my birth
is not today.
I was born
when you said,
A butterfly does not return to a caterpillar after it is mature.
However, life comes in stages.
We all have different ages.
We do what we do because of our ages.
Knowingly or unknowingly,
we act because of where we have reached in life.
Although it seemed to be the young man who showed honour and obedience to the old man, to authority and dignity;
now again it was apparently the old man who was required to follow, serve, worship the figure of youth, of beginning, of mirth.
They played games.
The young and the old.
They are having fun on a stage where no actor can act.
They need a clown, so they could enjoy the applause of the crowd; which could feeds their egos, soothed their souls, and justified their filthy minds.
Is it true, that ‘kindness and cruelty’ and ‘mercy and justice’ all have secret affairs, as though they rendezvous only within certain sophisticated souls: those who hate being offensive, but love telling the truth ?!
I was once lost under the cloak of universal themes and terms such as freedom, change, and acceptance, madness ensues, being readily welcomed by those whose mind’s eye questions nothing.
Yet I’ve come to known that only grey,
you conclude that all greys are the same shade.
You mock the simplicity of the two-colour view,
yet you replace it with a one-colour view.
I am simple, but I am not a clown.
I chose to be simple that I wish the red sun reflecting the eagerness towards life.
Even when it’s setting down,
the last moment still engraved in someone’s heart forever.
Yes, I miss this land –
the ever pure and innocent souls of the people.
June 2019 – Lusaka, Zambia, Africa.
Following my previous post of Curtain Call, I’ve compiled a series of amazing footage to capture the highlights of our trip to Zambia Africa.
A few weeks before our Zambia trip,
I was in Australia.
I saw kids running fearlessly,
with their hearts carefree.
When I landed at the Musosolokwe AP,
I saw kids running wildly,
with their hearts muddied with concerns.
Plates scattered on the ground,
filthy water in their cup,
they live with flies and call them a friend.
Children are the gifts from God,
their childhood should be equally measured by a similar standard.
While going the distance,
I saw the most genuine smile reflected from their heart
– it is called the simplicity of life bring forth true fruit of happiness.
So little they have in hands,
so much they produced from heart.
Indeed, our vision for every child,
life in all its fullness,
our prayer for every heart,
the will to make it so.
Thank you, World Vision,
for being a platform for us to reach out to the underprivileged.
I am so blessed today.
June 2019 – Lusaka, Zambia, Africa.
I can see His heart in everything He’s done;
every part designed in a work of art called love.
If He gladly chose surrender, so will I.
I can see His heart eight billion different ways;
every precious one, a child He died to save.
If He gave His life to love them;
so will I.
“What’s there to find in a broken heart;
if not assembled pieces of love for a pristine start.
What’s there to see behind the curtain;
only things that you don’t know for certain.”
At the boarding gate at 48, my heart was full of uncertainty.
I looked at my toes and blank in mind:
“I will do it better, for this time …”
I promised myself.
After more than 30 hours of journey, we settled down in a delightful place in Zambia – Urban Bliss Hotel at Kabwe; welcomed by all the lovely faces.
My mind was still clobbering with 3 different time zones within a day, and full of butterflies in my stomach.
Day One, I can’t believe I missed home and wanted to go back right after I’ve landed.
Tossing and turning in bed, I woke up with the pounding in my head.
(ouch, today is gonna be a long day)
Swollen down a paracetamol, I started my day with the most adventurous task which later on I’ve discovered that this need to be repeated daily
Sarong Chitenge* wearing !
We hitched up the bumpy rides, towards the Chimwala community reading camp!
The nostalgically smiley little black faces surrounded me have finally embraced me with a sense of belonging. Yes, that’s the African sentiment I’ve tasted so long ago !
And I can’t believe I miss them very much.
Mulibwanji*? they said.
Heading towards one of the households which deeply impacted by the bad water points that bring adverse effects to the well being of the people.
As a cultural practice in Zambia, children wake up early in the morning to help the family with chores which include fetching the water from the well.
After my first attempt at pulling up the bucket from the well, I was secretly whispering in my heart “God, I thank You for everything that You’ve given to me, I am so blessed”.
We heard the story of Cleo (pseudonym) who fell into the well and traumatized with flashback ever since the incident happened back in last year October, our hearts hovered with grief and anguish towards the people of this land.
We went back to the hotel in darkness (due to short circuit of the electrical supply) and our emotion was very much synchronized with the surrounding – a dim vastness was spreading before our souls!
God is gracious toward the softhearted, under the move of what we have seen in the morning, the trippers decided to raise funds for the built of a borehole / mechanical water pump for Cleo’s community !
By the grace of God, He multiplied our five loaves and two fishes
and made our dream comes true.
Zikomo* they said.
Indeed, no one is ever satisfied where he/she is, only the children know what they’re looking for …
I was overwhelmed by seeing Cat C. after years of sponsoring her. In my memory, she was a shy and sad little girl on the first glimpse of her picture.
To my great surprise, I was received by her spontaneous and warm hug on our first met !
That smile, I would never forget.
Every single second that I’ve spent with her, I was mindful that her well being is harmonized with mine.
As much as long conversations, laughter riots, and wild meetups are desirable, there’s still beauty and satisfaction in knowing via a simple gesture that you wish someone well and they wish you back the same – we dance triumphantly to celebrate life with the rhapsody in our hearts !
Day Five, on the last day of our stay
I can’t believe we were about to leave this place.
Wandering at the hotel front desk and looking around at all the now-familiarised faces, I was reminiscing the first night when I stepped on this ground, I was covered with fears and all the people that I do not know.
However today, new friendship has brewed and I started to miss everyone already!
We stood there, looking at each other, hardly saying anything.
But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.
Our hugs uttered it all !
Like what Mother Theresa said:
“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today.
Let us begin.”
I brought back the smiles of everyone, full of gratitude in my heart. Noting that this moment is so precious that I would love to treasure every single minutes of today.
If I ever go looking for
my heart’s desire again,
I won’t look any further than my own back yard.
Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.
Thank you Jesus, for everything.
Goodbye, Zambia ! I will see you soon.
June 2019 – Lusaka, Zambia, Africa.
* Please check out my post on the previous trip to Lesotho, Africa back in the year of 2013 here.
Chitenge – The chitenge(or kitenge) is an African garment similar to the sarong, often worn by women, wrapped around the chest or waist, over the head as a headscarf, or as a baby sling.
Mulibwanji – How are you
Zikomo – Thank you
Is not this a true autumn day?
Just the still melancholy that I love
– that makes life and nature harmonise.
The birds are consulting
about their migrations,
the trees are putting on
the hectic or the pallid hues of decay,
and begin to strew the ground,
that one’s very footsteps
may not disturb the repose
of earth and air,
while they give us a scent
that is a perfect anodyne
to the restless spirit.
My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird
I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.
May 2019 – Aravina Estate, Perth, Western Australia.
You and I have known each other
long enough that we are like family.
Which means we have earned the right
to hate each other from time to time
but that doesn’t mean
there’s still not love underneath!
May 2019 – Perth, Western Australia.
in a picture.
He found me,
no matter what.
You can run away from yourself so often,
and so much,
just because the broken pieces of you cut your feet too deeply if you stay around for too long.
But then what if someone were to come along;
and pick up those pieces for you?
Then you wouldn’t have to run away from yourself anymore.
You could stop running.
If someone sees you as something worth staying with
— maybe you’ll stay with yourself, too.
March 2019 – Starbucks Reserve Roastery, Tokyo, Japan.
There are all kinds of silences and each of them means a different thing.
There is the silence that comes with morning in a forest,
and this is different from the silence of a sleeping city.
There is silence after a rainstorm,
and before a rainstorm,
and these are not the same.
There is the silence of emptiness,
the silence of fear,
the silence of doubt.
There is a certain silence that can emanate from a lifeless object as from a chair lately used,
or from a piano with old dust upon its keys,
or from anything that has answered to the need of a man,
for pleasure or for work.
This kind of silence can speak.
Its voice may be melancholy,
but it is not always so;
for the chair may have been left by a laughing child or the last notes of the piano may have been raucous and gay.
There is a silence appears like fine flakes at first,
but becoming gradually heavier;
a blue and white dazzling light on everything one sees,
the ice-covered branches of the hemlocks sparkle,
bending low and tinkling in the sharp thin breeze,
and iridescent crystals fall and crackle on the snow-crust
with the winter sun drawing cold blue shadows from the trees
Whatever the mood or the circumstance,
the essence of its quality may linger in the silence that follows.
It is a soundless echo.
March 2019 – 湯沢高原スキー場, Tokyo, Japan.
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying;
the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.
I didn’t want to destroy anything or anybody.
I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door,
without causing any fuss or consequences,
and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
November 2016 – Zaanse Schans, the Netherlands.
every film seemed to suggest that
‘one day’ someone would
come into her life
and love her with an intensity
and a passion she had never experienced before.
And to their credit they were right;
It all came;
and went so fast;
it really did feel
as if it were just
February 2019 – Sabah, Malaysia
Growing up playing hide and seek
at the backyard of the cathedral.
Garden of flowers mingled with trees;
towers, spires and the domes.
Inner courts and outer courts;
felt so different in young mind.
Mum with bible in her hands,
talking something I don’t understand.
I sought my head in curiosity;
to the focal of the secret place.
Tipped my toe and sealed my mouth;
Breath would cleft serenity!
Robes of priests, papal ferula;
they looked solemn and frowned at me.
Veil and altar communion,
don’t mess up and be still, kid!
This is not a place for freedom,
do what I’ve said and you’ll be set free.
Grown up knowing what is right,
trying harder to stay right.
Do this, do that, and they said;
no one hear my inner voice.
Started journey to find light,
chased the shadow that might fight.
Detour; crooked; made a turn;
sheep was lost but Grace found it.
Broken vessels He treasures,
Nothing ‘ve wasted!
He said to me.
Feed My sheep if that you would.
Tears in eyes but less on hands,
break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Two fishes and five loaves bread,
only He can feeds them all.
He’d seen me through
and watched me grow,
This is My plan, oh My child,
only when you trust in Me.
The backyard of the cathedral;
tiny body Big future.
I’ve marked you,
I’ve marked you;
as a daughter
of the great I AM!
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love’s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free…
March 2018 – Bali, Indonesia
And she sang.
Perhaps she’d never stop,
for it was rather freeing, this blissful,
empowered place where she was nothing
– but rhythm and resonance.
She embodies all the melancholy of autumn.
She has learned to cherish;
with mournful tenderness,
a past she dares not remember …
It is the night sea journey,
the lone fisherman on a tropical sea with his nets, and let these nets down
– sometimes, something tears through them that leaves them in shreds and he just rows for shore, and put his head under his bed and pray.
Scars are but evidence of life.
Evidence of choices to be learned from…
evidence of wounds…
wounds inflicted of mistakes…
wounds they choose
to allow the healing of.
They likewise choose to see them,
that they may not make the same mistakes again.
She turns around and saw him right underneath the shadow of his own,
like a mirror reflected herself.
With the whole universe in his mind
he’s looking afar.
In the midst of the ruin, she tries to embrace the chaotic beauty of his world.
It was then, he has become …
her greatest asset.
Yes, she chooses to stay,
only if he’s willing.
Clouds come floating into my life,
no longer to carry rain or usher storm,
but to add color to my sunset sky.
February 2019 – Sabah, Malaysia
Hymn to a Good Wife
A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.
She shops around for the
best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship
that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn,
preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning,
she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things,but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead
and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!
she’s as still
as a leaf-littered pond,
dark water evaporating,
waiting desperately for rain.
They don’t see the part of you
Don’t let their doubting drown out
the sound of your own heartbeat.
You are the first drop of rain in a hurricane.
Your bravery builds beyond you.
You are needed by all the little girls
still living in secret,
writing oceans made of monsters,
and throwing like lightning.
You don’t need to grow up
to find greatness.
You are so much stronger
than the world
has ever believed you could be.
The world is waiting for you
to set it on fire.
Trust in yourself;
Dad, you’ve spent all your life
trying to impress others
Have you, for a second,
thinking about loving yourself a little more?
These days, you’re in heaven,
I wonder, have you,
tasted what is call love?
Or, should I,
remind myself too?
I am homesick for a place
where I am not sure even exist.
One where my heart is full;
my body is loved;
and my soul is understood.
November 2016 – Brugge, Belgium.
It’s the intricate details I miss the most.
The soft lines around the eyes
when you smile …
or that look you have;
the confusion between your brows;
which I stopped my hands to appeased;
sometimes ago that I could not begin to recall
– but I would know it if I saw it again.
It was the look that gave you away.
I’d know that look anywhere …
It will be my everything.
Raindrops and teardrops
have two things in common.
Both fall freely,
and yield abundance.
The former leads to abundant harvest
and the latter,
… of 2019, I woke up with this view from my balcony;
It’s the shine that waken me up from my sick bed.
I love sky,
I believe every beautiful thing comes from above.
On the last service of the year,
He promised that this will be my year.
Looking at the beautiful canvas He painted above,
Isn’t that He still keeping His promises?
Would you, believe with me?
January 2019 – Singapore
Maybe we will meet again
in the paths of dreaming,
but my heart tells me
this is farewell.
November 2016 – Volendam, Marken, the Netherlands.
Another milestone unlocked !
Big thanks to all of you,
who willing to spend a second
to know me, listen to me,
share my struggles and joys.
this raging voice has no way to run.
It might be soft,
but it is real.
It is the time of the year again !
Every year during this season, I would dedicate a post to myself in this place, to reflect and to give thanks for all that have happened in a year.
First and foremost, I would like to thank the 475 lovely souls (at the time of the writing of this post), who are following my ups and downs throughout this year.
Give credit where credit is due – Most of the poems are originated from different authors and I do not own any copyright for articles posted as quotes herein. However, those articles remained heartfelt and reflected the very moment of my emotional state when it was posted. That being said, all words screamed the inner voice that was long for an escape in me. Thank you, for listening to my heart.
“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.”
2. Career advancement
Another fruitful year in term of career, I am thankful to God for opening every door that shut on my face, and rewarded me abundantly in public for what I’ve been praying fervently in secret. Without Him, I can do nothing !
Whilst it remained a fiery desire in my heart for being ambitious, I have constantly reminded myself the two things that I could bring to the eternity, and career is neither of them ! Meanwhile my feet are landed on the ground, I aim to get a life that means something to myself; or to someone; which is more valuable than career itself – it is call purpose.
“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.”
2018 is an unexpected deterioration in term of health. I have encountered the first time in my life a full anaesthesia performed on me for an unexpected surgery which came out of no where. I believe God is faithful, for all that happened, He will restore 120% !
“Stretch. Inhale. Exhale. Feel. Become. Aware.”
Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family. I endeavour to keep myself moving and improving, but behind every good success and achievement, there is one powerful woman of God who keeping me in prayers every single minute. Thank you mum, and I love you.
“The best way to feel family is being part of it.”
5. Friendship and Relationship
Friendship – People who remained, are those that gonna be the friends forever! Thank you everyone for making my life a colourful one! This year, new friendship has brewed, and some of those are very dear to me, whom I wanted so much to carry on as friend.
“Don’t walk in front of me … I may not follow; don’t walk behind me … I may not lead; walk beside me … just be my friend”
Relationship – They say time doesn’t heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go. This is indeed the year of learning how to let go of the past. I was once believing that a broken heart could never have the same strength to cradle this thing call love. But God has proven me wrong.
We may be living in a world that being ‘instant’ is the ‘substance’ that moving us towards our heart desires. However, after the crushing and pressing of the grapes, a good wine goes on to the process of fermentation, clarification, and aging – which required time. This is what it’s all about. The past that I have let go, I would never want to pick it up again. However, I have learned to allow myself to be fragile; putting down the fences of guarding my heart; it is when I conceded to be vulnerable, I found the strength to love again. All I need, is the fortitude of valor to begin this journey.
“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”
From time to time, I would allow myself to have a solitude of moment with the greatest High. That is when I renewed my visions and dreams. I’ve spent a fair amount of time travelling the globe in this year only to found that slowly but steadily, I could enjoy the ‘restful’ moment without checking my work phone intermittently . It is vital, to have this selah every now and then. I have learned throughout my travel moment, listen to the ‘still small voice’ which guiding my path everyday. It is not about marking another territory where I setting my foot on, it is about another journey that He stays beside me – so faithfully. Indeed, I nearer than I was yesterday and further than I am today.
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”
7. River that flows
Last but definitely not least, this whole post will rendered meaningless without giving thanks to my God, who are the River that flows in my life for every season. I aim to go with the flow, the relentless twists and bends, acclimating to the motion, and a sense of being led by Him. I am hoping that in 2019, it will be a year of breakthrough for me, in all area.
In the ever-shifting water of the river of this life – I was swimming, seeking comfort; I was wrestling waves to find a boulder I could cling to, a stone to hold me fast, where I might let the fretful water of this river round me pass.
And so I found an anchor, a blessed resting place, a trusty rock I called my Savior,
for there I would be safe.
From the river and its dangers,
and I proclaimed my rock divine,
and I prayed to it “protect me”
and the rock replied:
God is a river, not just a stone;
God is a wild, raging rapids;
And a slow, meandering flow;
God is a deep and narrow passage;
And a peaceful, sandy shoal;
God is the river, swimmer,
So let go …
One thing I need, to end this year and entering the new – Courage.
Whether you know:
1. when to move;
2. when to stop.
When you know:
1. whether to carry on;
2. whether to walk away.
I need this thing
– call wisdom.
She had blue skin,
and so did he.
He kept it hid,
and so did she.
They searched for blue
their whole life through;
then passed right by –
and never knew.
March 2014 – Bali, Indonesia.
Even after all this time
the sun never says to the earth,
‘You owe me.’
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.
2018 – Borneo, Malaysia.
Life is mostly froth and bubble,
two things stand like stone
– kindness in another’s trouble,
courage in your own.
give me both.
Two simple words.
So hard to achieve.
God of Your promise
You don’t speak in vain
No syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science
Follow the sound of Your voice
And as You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky
A canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You so will I
So will I …
2018 – Borneo, Malaysia.
Have you ever walked along a beach?
You walk towards something in the distance.
For the longest while it never seems to get any closer even though you are walking and walking.
Then all of a sudden, you are there.
You’ve arrived at last.
That’s what grief is like.
Meanwhile we are running with you in the spray of the surf at the edge of the shore where the sand meets the sea.
We are cheering you on.
March 2014 – Bali, Indonesia.
Tipani flower skies blazing rapture of color laced tree crowns silhouettes along the ocean diamond necklaced beach…
of my heart in fragrance of love spilled by caressing kisses of the sun opening the gates to dive deep through away to horizons with no return…”
noun: silhouette; plural noun: silhouettes
1. the dark shape and outline of someone or something visible in restricted light against a brighter background.
March 2014 – Bali, Indonesia.
You don’t fall in love like you fall in a hole.
You fall like falling through space.
It’s like you jump off your own private planet to visit someone else’s planet. And when you get there it all looks different: the flowers, the animals, the colours people wear.
It is a big surprise falling in love because you thought you had everything just right on your own planet, and that was true, in a way, but then somebody signaled to you across space and the only way you could visit was to take a giant jump…
And you can bring your friends to visit.
And read your favorite stories to each other.
And the falling was really the big jump that you had to make to be with someone you don’t want to be without.
March 2014 – Bali, Indonesia.
Remember how we forgot?
Once upon a time, we were young
Our dreams hung like apples
Waiting to be picked and peeled
And hope was something needing
to be reeled-in
So we can fill the always empty big fish bin with the one that got away
And proudly say that “this time, impossible is not an option”
Because success is so akin to effort and opportunity they could be related
So we took ‘Chances’
We figure skated on thin ice
Believed that each slice of life was served with something sweet
on the side
And failure was never nearly as important as the fact that we tried
That in the war against frailty
We supplied the determination it takes to make ideas and goals the parents of ‘Possibility’
And we believe ourselves to be members of this family
Not just one branch on one tree
But a forest whose roots make up a dynasty …
December 2015 – Death Valley, Eastern California, USA.