Nicole Bailey-Williams

I was a dandelion puff…

Some saw the beauty in me and stooped quietly to admire my innocence.

Others saw the potential of what I could do for them,
so they uprooted me, seeking to shape me around their needs.
They blew at my head, scattering my hair from the roots,
changing me to suit them.

Yet still others saw me as something that was unworthy and needed to be erased.


Flower Dance

Lucy:“They serve the purpose of changing hydrogen into breathable oxygen,and they’re as necessary here as the air is, on Earth.”

Ray:“But I still say……they’re flowers.”

Lucy:“If you like.”

Ray:“Do you sell them?”

Lucy:“I’m afraid not.”

Ray:“But, maybe we can make a deal.”

Lucy:“What do you mean?”

Ray:“Oh, you see, you won’t have to send them anywhere. I’ll pay for them, and then, I’ll leave them here, for you.”

Ursula K. Le Guin

There was a wall.
It did not look important.
It was built of uncut rocks roughly mortared.
An adult could look right over it,
and even a child could climb it.

Where it crossed the roadway,
instead of having a gate it degenerated
into mere geometry,
a line, an idea of boundary.

But the idea was real.
It was important.
For seven generations there had been nothing in the world more important than that wall.

Like all walls it was ambiguous, two-faced.
What was inside it and what was outside it depended upon which side of it you were on.

November 2016 – Zaanse Schans, the Netherlands.

The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

The sand in the hourglass runs from one compartment to the other, marking the passage of moments with something constant and tangible.

If you watch the flowing sand, you might see time itself riding the granules.

Contrary to popular opinion, time is not an old white-haired man, but a laughing child.

And time sings.

May 2018 – Sabah, Malaysia.

Peace, I leave with you …

Another round of self battle left me with the swollen eyes and pounding head.
Indeed, the words came beforehand so that my heart could sustained ….

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
John 14:27

Who can accept us wholeheartedly?! – only Jesus does.

The Spice Box of Earth


A kite is a victim you are sure of.
You love it because it pulls
gentle enough to call you master,
strong enough to call you fool;

because it lives
like a desperate trained falcon
in the high sweet air,
and you can always haul it down
to tame it in your drawer.

A kite is a fish you have already caught
in a pool where no fish come,
so you play him carefully and long,
and hope he won’t give up,
or the wind die down.

A kite is the last poem you’ve written
so you give it to the wind,
but you don’t let it go
until someone finds you
something else to do.

Leonard Cohen.

July 2017 – Sabah, Malaysia.


Thank you


It is for the heart to understand that it gains strength each time it hurts;
It hurts so much that it pierced through the veins;
running down the arteries.
You tried to swallow the pain but it melted in tears;
turns into vapour.

The pain evaporated.

What left behind, are the sweetest memories coated with an indistinguishable veil.
If you uncovered it, you would realise;
… the pain has secretly created a rainbow.

Thank you, for being one of the colours in my life.

Nescio – Amsterdam Stories


“It was in December.
I stood in the back of the tram, all the way in the back.
It drove through the country and stopped and started again, it took hours, the countryside was endless.

And the sky got bluer and bluer and the sun shone until it seemed like flowers would have to start sprouting out of the country bumpkins.
And the red roofs in the villages and the black trees and the fields, most of them covered with straw, had it nice and warm, and the dunes sat bareheaded in the sun.

And the road lay there, white and smarting, it couldn’t bear the sunlight, and the glass panes of the village streetlamp flashed, they had trouble withstanding the glare too.

But I got colder and colder.
And the tram ran as long as the sun shone.
It’s a long ride from Hillegom to Leiden and the days are short in December.
By the end, a block of ice was standing there on the tram staring into the big stupid cold sun that was flaming red as though the revolution was finally starting, as though offices were being blown up all over Amsterdam, but still it couldn’t bring a spark of life back to my cold feet and stiff legs.

And it kept getting bigger and colder, the sun, and I got colder and stayed the same size, and the blue sky looked down very disapprovingly:
“What are you doing on that tram?”

November 2016 – Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

Sol Luckman, Beginner’s Luke

Such is life, imaginary or otherwise:
a continuous parting of ways,
a constant flux of approximation and distanciation,
lines of fate intersecting at a point which is no-time,
a theoretical crossroads fictitiously ‘present,’

an unstable ice floe forever drifting between was and will be.

December 2015 – Napa Valley, California.


Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?! There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

As I was looking back the colours behind me, I wonder is the future that excite me or the past simply attracted me back to the initial temptation.

Both equally destructive – in nature.

December 2015 – San Francisco, California.


adjective \”\

Definition of SOLIVAGANT
: rambling alone : marked by solitary wandering

Latin solivagus + English -ant

Solivagants are the kind of people you see on the side of the road, slugging along without a backpack or their thumb in the air. If you see one, don’t be scared: they don’t bite. Just throw them a smile or a Clif bar and let them go on their way.

I, is a solivagant soul wandering around the Republic of Great Han, on the May of 2015.

May 2015 – Seoul, South Korea.


Sonder is the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness

—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed,
in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

May 2015 – Seoul, South Korea.


Too many times we done something totally contrary to what our heart’s desire.
I’ve stumbled and fell for things don’t belong to me.
For years that I built my dream, it could be rendered meaningless in a second.

What makes you happy?
If you only do it just because you’re gonna be happy by doing so,
You underestimate the power of happiness.

It doesn’t require a smile on your own face to make yourself happy
It could be appears on somebody’s face;
and at the same time your heart ached because you know the reason for the smile on that somebody’s is because of someone else.

The paradox of happiness lie upon love
For decades, people searching for love and to be loved, to get happiness.
For centuries, people lost happiness as a result of searching for the true love.
This is why it is amazing when God says, He is love, rather than He has love.

I may lost someone whom I’ve so much in love with
But I can never lose God – because He saw how much I stumbled, but yet He still loves me.

If I could love until it hurts but still continue;
and know that my bleeding heart would eventually encrusted;
I know I’ve overcome my deepest atychiphobia.

Hardwell & Dyro & Bright Lights

“You’ll never fly,
if you’re too scared of the height,

You’ll never live
if you’re just too scared to die,

Everybody wants heaven, I know
But darling freedom ain’t free,
it’s a long road

You’ll never find your place up there in the sky
If you never say goodbye.”

October 2013 – Kingdom of Lesotho, Maseru, South Africa.

Ethan Day

I snatched up the cardboard cup,
plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful.

It burned,
but I didn’t give a damn.

I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled.

“Hello lover.”

– My little coffee corner @September 2015.

Beach therapy

It was an ordinary day when I was lying on the beach,
doing nothing for hours, listening to the sound of wave hitting the shore.

I saw a little girl chasing the flying kite – unrestrained.

Too many times our hands grabbing something so tight;
or we have been keeping ourselves in a corner for too long;
or even holding someone for ages;
not knowing that the moment of letting go become so easy when we decided to just look up and trust that the upper force is the ultimate resources of freedom.

I looked at my closed fists for what holding me back,
and realised that it was not an ordinary day after all.

Beach therapy is really works.

June 2015 – Bali, Indonesia.

Rilke’s Book of Hours

I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every moment holy.

I am too tiny in this world,
and not tiny enough just to lie before you like a thing,
shrewd and secretive.

I want my own will,
and I want simply to be with my will,
as it goes toward action;
and in those quiet, sometimes hardly moving times,
when something is coming near,
I want to be with those who know secret things
or else alone.

I want to be a mirror for your whole body,
and I never want to be blind, or to be too old
to hold up your heavy and swaying picture.

I want to unfold.
I don’t want to stay folded anywhere,
because where I am folded, there I am a lie.
and I want my grasp of things to be
true before you.

I want to describe myself
like a painting that I looked at
closely for a long time,
like a saying that I finally understood,
like the pitcher I use every day,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship that carried me
through the wildest storm of all.

November 2014 – Florence, Italy.

Water for Elephants

“… a gaggle of old ladies is glued to the window at the end of the hall like children or jailbirds.
They’re spidery and frail, their hair as fine as mist.
Most of them are a good decade younger than me, and this astounds me.

Even as your body betrays you, your mind denies it.
There are five of them now, white headed old things huddled together and pointing crooked fingers at the glass.”

As for me, growing old together is the best feeling.
And there’s beauty in the crown of glory.

May 2015 – Seoul, South Korea.

Broken Harbour

The smell of the sea swept over the wall and in through the empty window-hole,
wide and wild with a million intoxicating secrets.
I don’t trust that smell.

It hooks us somewhere deeper than reason or civilization,
in the fragments of our cells that rocked in oceans before we had minds,
and it pulls till we follow mindlessly as rutting animals….

It lures us to leap off high cliffs,
fling ourselves on towering waves,
leaves behind everyone we love and face into thousands of miles of open water for the sake of what might be on the far shore.

February 2015 – Perth, Australia.

Dreamy Camera Cafe – 꿈꾸는사진기

Yes, you are right!
I was, inside, the classic Rolleiflex twin-lens camera!

Dreamy Camera Cafe was my last stop of “cafes hopping” in South Korea during this solo trip.
As per my first post, I will share cafes which attracted me the most during this journey
And thank God that He always reserves the best for last!
I’ve planned to come to this lovely place on the first day I touched down Korea
But unfortunately due to some unforeseen circumstances
I was only able to fit in my schedule to the last day, for the last stop
I couldn’t kept thinking that if I would have the chance to come earlier,
To be honest, South Korea has too many interesting cafes
But Dreamy Camera Cafe is thus far my most favourite one!
One thing about Korea is that I love to discover their outskirts and allowed myself to excuse from the crowd
Dreamy Camera Cafe was located further from the city which took me 4 hours ride in total for both the journey to and from (however it depends on where you’re living)
The whole concept of this cafe apart from the ‘camera’ as everyone could apprehend,
what I love the most is the feeling of ‘home‘.
First, I was welcomed by this lovely doggie,
who subsequently I found out from the internet that her name is Bodri!
When you saw a doggie running towards you the moment you alight from a car, you know that you’re home!
I’ve tried to conduct some research on my way back and realised that this cafe built by a former pilot and avid camera collector. The owener, Park Sung-hwan dreamed of becoming a military pilot ever since he was a boy in elementary school. When he informed his family of this ambition, they told him that serving in the armed forces wasn’t worth pursuing. Park persevered, joining the army in 2000 and eventually becoming a helicopter pilot. But now he has another, more unusual passion; the Dreamy Camera Cafe that he runs with his wife Kwak Myung-hee, herself a retired army pilot. (Extracted online, click “here” for full article)
I had a chance to speak to the lady boss (I would assume so, as she was the only one in the premise who served me), whom subsequently I found out from the internet that she was an army pilot!
(How awesome! I should have gave her a salute.)
Lady boss speaks very well English and was so helpful to take some lovely pictures of mine.
If you’re concerned about language barriers (like me!), fear not!
They have English menu and English speaking boss!
I’ve been told that the lovely house beside the Rolleiflex camera is her house!
There was a second I hardly imagine how would it like to live in such an enchanting place compare to the hectic Singapore tall buildings that I am living in!
Apologies for not able to elaborate more about the food
As I had a very heavy brunch before headed to this cafe.
However, I’ve ordered their pink lemonade (oh yea, why was it pink? I don’t know)
It tasted light and refreshing, totally to my liking~
As I started my travel journey these few years, I’ve brewed a hobby of writing postcard
Friends started to look forward receiving postcards from me whenever I travel
Dreamy Camera Cafe was too sweet to prepare some postcard for selling and they would happily absorb the stamp fee and post it out for you
I’ve spent a little time to write the postcards and delivered one for myself too!

Towards the end of my solo trip this round
I’ve been travelling around to collect the colours in life.
In this journey of nursing a broken heart and broken soul, I understand that life could still be meaningful only if you see it with a grateful heart
I love story that build on dream and hope
That’s the two things which motivate life.

“My wife and I wanted to build a place where anyone could share their stories and help out those who are struggling to discover or achieve their dreams. The idea for a camera-themed cafe came later.”

My heart was captured by this phrase as I read
This is the main reason that I love about this cafe
Beyond that interesting outlook of the cafes, it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye
– it is the dream that secretly hiding in you.

Take subway to the nearest station: Yongmun Station, and from there, catch a taxi and show the driver the name of the cafe. This cafe is very famous that almost all drivers would instantly know that place. Driver will give you his name card and you are welcome to call him during your return journey.
Taxi fare to and from is approximately KRW 21,000 (c.SGD 27.00)

341-13, Jung-won-ri, Yongmun-myeon, Yangpyeong-gun, Gyeonggi-do, Korea

click me“(in Korean)

May 2015 – Seoul, South Korea.

MAJO & SADY – 마조앤새디카페

Too cute …. too cute.
First thing in my mind, was cute, and cute.

Today I am gonna share one of the cutest cafe I’ve been in Korea
Majo & Sady was not in my itinerary
There was one day I had a free slot during the day time, while searching the web looking for some interesting cafes, “Majo & Sady” seems to be the most ‘hit’ website in the google
A bit hesitated at first, ‘cuteness’ does not count in my itinerary
I was suppose to hunt down some interesting cafes with fascinating story behind the theme
But Majo & Sady was a lucky guess and now I am happy to share with my ‘unexpected’ treasure
If you like something cute but not into Hello Kitty at all (like me!)
This place may bring you some childhood that you’re longing for

When I started to conduct some research on this cafe
I just realised that Majo & Sady are characters in an online comic series by Cheol Yeon Jung, which revolves around the interesting daily life of Majo, a house-husband who takes care of the household chores, and his working wife, Sady, the bread-winner.
(interesting, aye?!)
Majo is the brown bear in glasses, Sady is the white rabbit.
They have one son and two cats.
It is rumored that the name Majo comes from masochism and Sady comes from sadism.
(OMG this is so real life!)
Let me share with you a little bit of this place
It is a three storey cafe located near Dongdaemun History and Culture Park Station
By the time I was there, it wasn’t many people at all, less than 10 I guess
But the place is massive, and you can have all choices of seats you want
(Oh, how I love places with no crowd!)
You will be welcomed by this couple
I can’t help but to raise the tip of my lips when I saw them
What an adorable couple!
I’ve ordered their brunch set and I love the creamy soup and the salad!
They have given the sour cream and honey to go with the hot cake
The portion is a little too big for me!
I can’t remember how much it cost for the whole meal
But I am pretty sure that it was not more than SGD 20.
Talking about having brunch in Singapore, this price is absolutely reasonable.
To close this, I actually had a revelation during this visit – I am not alone!
You will be too occupied by soft toys who sitting around you, “dying” to have a meal with you.
I saw a lonely cat (or rabbit?!) staring outside the window, waiting for someone!
My heart pricked a little for a second
Yea, everyone seems to waiting for everyone
Faithfully …. quietly …
From Dongdaemun History and Culture Park Station, Exit 3, you can see the cafe across the road diagonally to your right. It’s best to take the crossing that’s a little to the left of the exit, as there isn’t one in front of the cafe.

172 Gwanghee2-dong, Jung-gu, Seoul
서울시 중구 광희동2가 172

“click me”

May 2015 – Seoul, South Korea.

Yoon’s Color Drama Gallery – 윤스칼라

Today I am gonna start with my very first post of the cafes in Korea.
Yoon’s Color Drama Gallery was my first stop.
It has been formerly known as Four Seasons House and located at Sangsu-dong, Mapo-gu, Seoul.
When I did my research online, I was expecting to pay some admission fees (to be known for KRW5,000)
However, I reached that place with a little surprise.
It has seems to be transformed into a cafe rather than a ‘gallery’ and no admission fees required.
It wasn’t as expected as what I thought it would be.
No, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t bad, just that I was expecting some sort of more colourful place with the ‘drama’ feeling as it sounds
Approached me was a friendly lady who speaks a little English
Communication wasn’t that bad as she managed to recommend me with some food and beverages which she thoughts I would love
I wasn’t taken any food since morning until I reached that place in the afternoon around 3pm
I’ve ordered a pizza (and I have to double confirm with her that I am solo and I do not wish to have a big portion)
Amazingly I love that pizza which she recommended! However, I couldn’t finish it but I’ve tried my very best to finished with two pieces left
The pizza come along with the ‘dip-it-you-can’ honey syrup with almond shred in it
It tasted heavenly to combine with the pizza
Well, guilty as charged, I really didn’t know what kind of pizza was that
But I tasted fruit inside the pizza (probably tasted like a pineapple)
It went so well with the melted cheese!
Food aside, if you love anything vintage like me, you would probably love this place!
As you can see from the pictures that I’ve taken, it is so much into my taste.
It has seats and tables indoor as well as outdoor
The beautiful weather in May could very much allowed you to sitting outside with a pasture view and colourful flowers
I simply love the ambiance.

*I’ve taken the direction map online

Take subway line 6 to Sangsu Station, go out exit #2, and walk for about 3 min towards Hongik Univ.
Please refer to the map.

12, Wausan-ro 14-gil, Mapo-gu, Seoul
서울특별시 마포구 와우산로14길 12 (상수동)

May 2015 – Seoul, South Korea.

Solo Trip – South Korea

Hello bloggers!
This place has been neglected for quite some times
And yes, I just back from my first ever solo trip (without work I meant) from South Korea !!

To plan for a solo trip was always, always, one of my dreams
And I’ve planned it to be done before I turn ‘sweet’ 30! (guilty)
I’ve made it !!

This trip was truly a spontaneous one
I woke up in a morning and decided to go to somewhere all by my own
And the next moment without I reliased it, I’ve bought an air ticket to somewhere whom everyone does not share my language!
(a moment of fear excitement emerged)
But what more important is that,
I seriously think I should slow down a little bit in life
To spend some ME time in somewhere no one knows me
And this one week, I’ve totally enjoy every moment with myself, and God.
When there’s no one to speak to, God is the only one who’re always there!
(Note 1: When you’re talking to yourself, don’t murmur your lips)

For the next few post, I’m gonna share some of the cafes that I love in Korea
Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention to turn this into a travel blog
But, some of the cafes really worth a little space in my blog!
One of the mission that I gave myself in this trip, is to hunt down cafes that I love

Korea famous in all sort of things (not only cosmetic, skincare, and plastic!)
They are so diversity that you have to adjust yourself to fit in different nature
The moment you thought “this should be all”, the next moment you found something new again!
I can’t keep up but to think that a week is truly too short to discover this incredible nation!

There was one day I was sitting in a park
Trying to listen to people around me talking something I don’t understand
People there tends to be loud more resounding, and they don’t meant to hide words that everyone could hear
Sometimes I really curious about what sort of conversation that they are so happy to share with the crowd around them.
(Note 2: Learn some basic language before the trip and you might discover interesting gossips)

Few times I headed to the outskirts, looking out for the luxury that I can never have in Singapore
– silent and space.
Talking about Korea, it is too big! Too big to contain people.
There were a few places which suppose to be famous (at least on the internet), turn out that I may be the only few people occupied that place.
This is simply what I love!
When you decided to be alone and silent, you don’t want to go somewhere full with people! img1431709558613
Life is exhausted in Singapore
You could hardly find a place that you can have a quiet place
Everywhere you go, there’s people, and crowd!
This is also one of the reasons I love to travel
Travel to somewhere less crowded and no one would speaks to me
(Note 3: Solo trip is the best time to clear you ears)

What is so fascinated about solo trip is that you can plan your itinerary without discussing with your travel mate!
I enjoyed every moment of randomness during my week of time
Of course, many occasions I’ve lost my way, ended up I’ve detour for a longer way to get to the destination
Times where I spent so long to hunt for the cafes that I want to go
And also times that I suddenly felt nothing to do
I’ve learned something throughout this trip
– never too busy to search for the ‘one’ that you’ve destined to be,
and turn out that you’ve lost so much fun and joy to discover those better one along the road
Many times I got upset because I’ve spent so much time, or, I didn’t even reach the destination that I want at all!
When I started to grumble about how long I’ve spent to reach my destination,
I realised that I did not pay attention to those interesting things during my searching journey to my destination.
This is also one of the reminder that I gave myself in this trip!
(Note 4: Nothing call ‘focus on your goal’ during a solo trip) img1431747969538
I’ve stopped by Hong Kong before I headed back to Singapore
And felt so warm when I finally could understand what people say!
The moment when I touched down Singapore,
I told myself, when there’s first time, there’s always a second time!
A solo trip could never be the last one for me and I am so gonna plan for my next trip!

Please stay tune for the cafes in my next few post.
I hope that my little information would bring you to those places which I love.
(Note 5: Master your selfie-stick-skill so that you can take beautiful picture of your own without dropping your phone and cracked the screen like mine!) woman-solo-traveller

May 2015 – Seoul, South Korea.


Browns seek knowledge,
Blues meddle in causes,
and Whites consider the questions of truth with implacable logic.

We all do some of it all, of course.
But to be Green means to stand ready.
In the Trolloc Wars, we were often called the Battle Ajah.
All Aes Sedai helped where and when they could,
but the Green Ajah alone was always with the armies,
in almost every battle.

We were the counter to the dreadlords.
The Battle Ajah. And now we stand ready, for the Trollocs to come south again,
for Tarmon Gai’don. the Last Battle.
We will be there.
That is what it means to be Green.

February 2015 – Perth, Australia.


There are times, like after a long day of work,
when the thought of an easy drive-through is enticing, people tends to hit to everywhere easier to get their appetite fixed.

How many times we forgot to slow down in life
Take a look at our necessities and make it grows its value, like, grocery shopping.

There are times, I get my head out of the text books
and get a job in the real world – grocery shopping.
That makes me feel normal.
I wait in line, grab plenty of plastic bags full of stuff
And regret for not getting a ‘go green’ bag.

Recently, I have a new hobby – grocery with mum!
Mum is not staying in town with me
this make our moment together even more a treasure.
She grabbed everything she wants,
and put it into the trolley
She turned to me and laughed
– she knew I will pay for the bill while check out.

Her reaction brought me back to my childhood
When I was little, I used to followed mum at her back while we did our grocery shopping
I would took a chocolate bar
and secretly slipped it into the trolley
Mum knew it, she pretended she didn’t.
I did not understand that calls ‘love’ back then

Today, I would do everything for mum
Just because she used to love me quietly
and abundantly, without me knowing.
Instead of secretly putting a chocolate bar into the trolley and hoping mum would pay for it
I can now secretly pay for everything mum needs,
without her knowing.

Mum, this is my time.
I mean, now.
Blue Effervescence

The Sweet Far Thing

“Do you ever feel that way?”

I search for the words.

“Restless. As if you haven’t really met yourself yet.
As if you’d passed yourself once in the fog,
and your heart leapt –
‘Ah! There I Am! I’ve been missing that piece!’
But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again.
And you spend the rest of your days looking for it.”

He nods, and I think he’s appeasing me.
I feel stupid of having said it.
It’s sentimental and true, and I’ve revealed a part of myself I shouldn’t have.

“Do you know what I think?” he says at last.
“Sometimes, I think you can glimpse it in another.”

February 2015 – Perth, Australia.

I am just me

Today, I do not have any fancy pictures or heart-warming quotes to share.
Instead, I have plenty of words to pour out from my heart.

People said that there’s a season for everything.
And in each season, there’s always a reason behind it.
I do not understand.

I think of dad pretty much very recently.
Dad used to be a very stubborn man.
He never once, shows his weakness before me.
It is until things happened many years back
For the first time, I ‘heard’ dad crying.

It was a Sunday afternoon, a call received from my very far homeland.
Dad called, and he cried.
Since then, I realised that I have a real dad.
A man who brave enough to face his own weakness, and revealed before someone he trust or love.

Months later, things happened again.
I back in my homeland, for the first time, I ‘saw’ dad cried.
I could never forget how fragile he looked in front of me
That moment onwards, I understand I have to stand up and carry the burden
Be the pillar of this family.

Years later, dad left, to be with the Lord.
The day when I stood before the cemetery, it is as though I saw dad smiled
A smiley face with no more pain and burden
That moment, I whispered to God:
“Finally, he can have a good rest.”

There was no tears on me for the whole funeral week
People came and gone, they came to hug me
Offered the soothing words and encouragement
I felt nothing.
Some acquaintances, and some stranger that I’ve never met in my life
One Datuk came by and paid the last respect
Dad saw him all the time in the telly or newspaper
We do not know him in person
I am sure if dad knows it, he will be glad.

A week later, I back in my residential place.
Spent the whole month pouring out all the tears that have been hidden for the past week
Then I realised, I was just like dad!
We are too afraid to show our emotion to people.

Recently, things happened again.
This time round, I have no dad to look to.
I’ve never felt so helpless before
I could even felt the pumping heart nearly jump out from my mouth.
Beneath my well disguised, I realised the flimsy soul of mine was shivering
The tremble of fears.

I used to think of given up everything
I used to think of leaving this place and find a place where no one knows me
I used to think of ignoring all the commitments that handcuffed me

If only … if only … and if only …
I could be free like a bird in the air;
the fish in the ocean;
the lily on the field;
be like the grain sail with the breeze;
and let my heart harbour to the dock that belongs to me…

Dad, are you still pretend to be brave?
Or, am I still, either?!

February 2015 – Perth, Australia.