Today, I do not have any fancy pictures or heart-warming quotes to share.
Instead, I have plenty of words to pour out from my heart.
People said that there’s a season for everything.
And in each season, there’s always a reason behind it.
I do not understand.
I think of dad pretty much very recently.
Dad used to be a very stubborn man.
He never once, shows his weakness before me.
It is until things happened many years back
For the first time, I ‘heard’ dad crying.
It was a Sunday afternoon, a call received from my very far homeland.
Dad called, and he cried.
Since then, I realised that I have a real dad.
A man who brave enough to face his own weakness, and revealed before someone he trust or love.
Months later, things happened again.
I back in my homeland, for the first time, I ‘saw’ dad cried.
I could never forget how fragile he looked in front of me
That moment onwards, I understand I have to stand up and carry the burden
Be the pillar of this family.
Years later, dad left, to be with the Lord.
The day when I stood before the cemetery, it is as though I saw dad smiled
A smiley face with no more pain and burden
That moment, I whispered to God:
“Finally, he can have a good rest.”
There was no tears on me for the whole funeral week
People came and gone, they came to hug me
Offered the soothing words and encouragement
I felt nothing.
Some acquaintances, and some stranger that I’ve never met in my life
One Datuk came by and paid the last respect
Dad saw him all the time in the telly or newspaper
We do not know him in person
I am sure if dad knows it, he will be glad.
A week later, I back in my residential place.
Spent the whole month pouring out all the tears that have been hidden for the past week
Then I realised, I was just like dad!
We are too afraid to show our emotion to people.
Recently, things happened again.
This time round, I have no dad to look to.
I’ve never felt so helpless before
I could even felt the pumping heart nearly jump out from my mouth.
Beneath my well disguised, I realised the flimsy soul of mine was shivering
The tremble of fears.
I used to think of given up everything
I used to think of leaving this place and find a place where no one knows me
I used to think of ignoring all the commitments that handcuffed me
If only … if only … and if only …
I could be free like a bird in the air;
the fish in the ocean;
the lily on the field;
be like the grain sail with the breeze;
and let my heart harbour to the dock that belongs to me…
Dad, are you still pretend to be brave?
Or, am I still, either?!
February 2015 – Perth, Australia.